This post is overdue. Being a hetero-male myself, I tend to focus on personality pitfalls of women, but there is no shortage of men with similar or adjacent issues to look out for. This one is for the ladies. Here’s a list of things to look out for in men.

Does he have a bearing?

Does he know where he is headed in life? Does he have a plan?

Truth be told: You will have sub-par relationship with a man that doesn’t know what he wants or isn’t aware that he also has to commit to trade-offs if he wants to commit to something in any meaningful way. Like, for instance, a relationship with you.

Keep in mind: He might be stuck in the choice-effect or may be somewhat unsure what to do. You can be the lady that helps him with that choice and a decent man with a spine will be able to build his life with yours, even if he is unsure about himself at the onset. Talk it through. Contrary to contemporary feminist propaganda, men can and do communicate their feelings. It’s up to you to listen and spot the signals. You can help him with that insecurity if he is aware of it. However, this shouldn’t be a perpetual or recurring issue without any progress. You shouldn’t be carrying him to the hunt, as they say in German. He should be ready to do that himself once the goal is clear and set.

When it comes to building a relationship or life together, you may also be the reason he is insecure. Not neccessarily you specifically, but an interested woman in general. Todays society is deeply embroiled in misandry, denigration of men and patently absurd demands vis-a-vis hetero-sexual men, so that the man you’re interested in might just need some affirmation to get ready to grow into the role he needs to fill for you and your relationship. But also here, he should be aware of this himself and be able to communicate that. Including being able to engage in confrontation and conflict with you without losing his frame.

Is he man enough to make the hard decisions for his life?

This is closely related to the topic above, but may be trickier to probe for. A good strategy is to be curious about his life and how he analyses things and how he acts on his conclusions. How does he navigate the hard problems? And how does he handle compromises and trade-offs? This can be very telling and give you some hints on what to expect of him and where he might fall short of what you need and/or want.

A man that is ready to make the hard decisions has faced his insecurities, knows of them, has some bearing in life and – most importantly – is ready to keep you posted on what goes and what won’t go in his life or your relationship, regardless of you cute and charming you are. That’s a green flag, believe it or not.

Does he have attachment wounds? Is he ready to overcome them?

Most people have some sort of attachment issue. Insecurity in relationships is totally normal. The question is: How does he deal with his? And – just as important – how can you deal with his? This needed be a big problem, but it sure as hell needs management. On both sides. Is he ready to put in the work? Are you ready to put in that work with him?

Is he addicted?

Basically a no-brainer. Does he drink? Take drugs? Smoke Marihuana regularly? Synthetic drugs? (really bad, often come with long-term brain damage) Cocaine? … All of this is very tricky stuff and is likely to involve way more trouble than it’s worth. Steer clear.

Is he tied up in escapism? Is he a workaholic or a sport addict? Does he have a neurological deficiency?

Excessive video-gaming and media consumption, workaholism or excessive sport can mean an excess of fear and insecurity in other areas that he hasn’t gotten a hold on yet. It can also be a cope for neurodiverse people who are overwhelmed by regular social interaction. The latter is a problem he and you both have to be aware of and be able to handle.

Getting with an autistic guy or something similar involves trade-offs and modes of relational interaction that you and he both have to be aware of. This can work and be really cute, but do test thoroughly if you are ready for an LTR with a guy like that before you break his heart after getting his hopes up and his emotional involvement with you too deep.

Keep in mind: Men have evolved to be exposed to hardship and evolutionary selection. Since the modern world has so much opportunity and little real cruel danger, escapism can be a good mechanism for men to explore and spread themselves out without letting their loved ones down. So some form of escapism – even if you fundamentally don’t get it – can be a good thing. After all, the nerd tied up in table-top wargaming is notably less likely to chase tail once you’ve locked him down.

But a sign of maturity is the way he can handle that escapism vis-a-vis the real world and his responsibilities. If he lacks self-control with his escapism, that’s a red flag.

Does he have a criminal history?

This is a no-brainer too. There may be the occasional thief, graffiti-sprayer, smuggler or irresponsible driver who committed a crime in his past and since has rebooted his take on life and grown to be a man and has come to terms with his past errors.

Men who have gone though this and are open and honest about their failures in the past can be a good deal.

But often a criminal history or recent/ongoing shady involvements and interactions with other shady people or law enforcement point to something more serious lurking in the dark. Bad boys can be enticing in some erotic way, but you do not want to be that dumb little bitch who falls for them.

Is he resourceful? Or is he totally hapless?

If he is resourceful, this is a green flag. If he is hapless, this needs observing. If his haplessness is ongoing, this can spell danger. You want to be careful of having a man like that getting you pregnant or being your long-term partner.

If he needs a mommy #2 in his life or breaks down crying when 3 things in a row go wrong, you want to make a hard evaluation of what to expect from this guy. And what not.

Resourceful men can make things work on a shoestring budget. They can and will fix things and they will have some good options up their sleeve when things get tough and dire. Resourceful men shrug off a job-loss like it’s nothing and get right back to making themselves useful somewhere else. That’s the type of man you want at your side, at your back or leading the way when all hell brakes lose. A key trait to look out for.

Does he need you more than you need him?

This relates closely to the very first bearing topic at the beginning. Despite what contemporary pseudo-feminism likes to tell women, the best man for most women is one who loves and appreciates you, choses you but doesn’t need you to be complete on his own. A relationship in which you can look up to your man rather than him pedestalizing you, in which you – on a balance – adore him more that he does you.

Of course he should love and desire you and be susceptible to your charm and sex appeal and be ready to make hot steaming love to you. He also should be respectful and fair enough not to take you for a ride and then drop you on a whim.

But if he can do that out of a position of inner strength and display enough emotional independence to call you out on your non-sense as soon as it arises, that’s a good thing and a sign that a relationship with him will come with less trouble and friction. If you can commit to his framing of the world and he’s that type of man, that’s a good sign.

Do you think you can „fix“ him?

Yes? Ok. Stop. That’s a red flag right there! Don’t go there. To be clear: Maybe he doesn’t need fixing, it’s just you that thinks he does. Not an insignificant detail ladies tend to overlook. Whatever it is, it’s a red flag. Not neccessarily for him, but definitely for you both together with some unresolved hidden contracts and petty toxic moves on each other. Spear yourself (and him) the trouble. And perhaps check out your own issues and insecurities before shopping for a man, your metrics may be out of whack, otherwise you would pass on a man like that all by yourself.

Does he have boundaries?

Is he ready and willing to call you out when you cross the/his line? Yes? That likely shows he doesn’t play games in perpetuity and he’s ready for the real deal. And he is ready to ditch any lady who isn’t. That’s a green flag.

Does he have self-discipline?

Can he put in the work that is required to reach the goals he as set for himself? Self-discipline. That’s a good sign, a green flag.

Can you see him as a father of your children?

Baby-rabies can cloud your judgement, especially if you’re under pressure because your biological clock is running out. A non-trivial problem many western women face these days. But by and large this framing can help you spot „the one“. A sound „yes“ is likely a clear green flag.

Does he have male friends, a male circle and does he discuss his problems with them?

A key trait of a man who has is inner and outer life in basic order. A green flag.

How is his relationship with his mother? His father?

This is important. Some form of mommy or daddy issues are likely to be present, most of us have them. However, it’s a key sign of how aware of them a guy is and what type of relationship he has with his parents, even if they are separated.

A good example perhaps would be myself: My mom and dad got divorced and both were overwhelmed – my dad perhaps a little more – in making the relationship work. There are topics that are nigh impossible to discuss with my mother and there are topics my dad fundamentally doesn’t get. They both have traits that I adore and love and that I have inherited and am proud of. They also both have traits that can trigger me epic style, but I have come to terms with that.

Can you trust him? Can he f*ck you good and give you an orgasm? Is he ready to learn and develop good sex with you, the way you both need it? Are you ready for that journey with him?

All those things are somewhat related, believe it or not.

Let me – a grown and experienced hetero-man – fill you in on a fundamental truth you may be blissfully unaware of as a „modern independant woman„. Notice the quotes and my slight hetero-male sarcasm on this here topic. And please cut me some slack on that, you’ll understand in a moment. Here we go.

The myth of male power entails some strange image of the Penis as a symbol of power. This image is – by and and large – complete and utter non-sense. Unlike you ladies, we need at least some form of arousement to get an erection and make love to you. Mind you, when we are Penis-driven, that bar can be pretty low, but it has to be there. In a pinch, theoretically, you folks can just spread your legs and read a book while the guy gets off. Certainly not the woman any useful man would get or stay involved with, but such a scenario is totally possible.

Not so with us men.

If any man is craning his neck for a lady, he wants to f*ck her. Preferably epic style, with the occasional super-orgasm that makes you (and him?) see God. On some level this always is the fundamental pure and simple truth. This is what men actually live for. And this is the key part of the deal in a relationship for any hetero-male.

If a man is to forego all his options with all the other ladies that cross his path for you, he absolutely positively has to be your best option with some special extras you don’t get anywhere else. And you need to appreciate what that man – your man – can give you and be eager and ready to henceforth be his very own personal pr0n-slut. And loving wife and mother of his children.

I’ve learned enough about women and men to know that this is the best possible outcome for any hetero-sexual relationship. And wouldn’t you want a man you can trust and that you are eager to be sexually generous with for the rest of your life? Exactly.

Good sex is an art form. It needs to be practiced, it has to be playful, there has to be room for it and you both need some goals to move towards in the long term. If you both make a point in practicing sex and being clear, open and safe with each other in exploring and building out and maintaining intimacy, attraction and a healthy sex-life, you can both move into territories that are rarely possible for people stuck in hookups and short-term dating.

If you find that modus operandi with the man of your choosing, you will both live a long and fulfilling life and relationship together. Probe for that before getting into any long-term deal.

Some final words

Women f*ck the men they love. Men love the women they f*ck.
Women control access to sex, men control access to commitment.

Be the woman he can square that circle with. And double-check to see to it that he is the man you can, are ready and willing to square that circle with.

If that is the case and he and you are both determined to make it work, he will own you and you will own him and you both will love it and it will grow to be orders of magnitude more worth than any validation or short-term honeymoon resonance you – or he – would get from hopping through beds with too many other sexual partners and no partner to share a higher mission with.

In other words: Be ready to go all in with your man of choice. But be careful to evaluate him for basic red and green flags before doing so. I hope this little piece can help you with that.

Good luck and good hunting.

Love, Phillip